Life with Pets: Afternoon Without the Pets - A One-Act Play

It is Saturday, a day of much mirth for the Three-Juju household, for it is a day that the humans have a chance to get out of the house and be together. The animals, however, are used to JUJU, who is clutching her vintage purse (a gift from her wonderful grandmother) happily, being there at all hours, free to give pets, food, and entertainment (like children). ZOLA frets by the back door, which leads to the car and to freedom, and BITSY sits on top of the fridge, curiously eyeing THREE and Juju. 

JUJU: Okay, did we turn off the upstairs light?
THREE: We're only going to be gone a couple of hours, Juju.
JUJU: I know, but still! Electricity!
THREE: Do you want me to go double check?
JUJU: Maybe.
THREE: Sigh.

Three makes his way offstage, mumbling the whole way, and both KITKAT and BINA enter, glancing around the kitchen warily.

KITKAT: Something is off.
BINA: Are we moving? I don't like moving? I am hungry?
KITKAT: I don't like this. Wait, where is the smallest furry; I'll take out my anxiety on her.
BITSY: YOU CAN'T GET ME UP HERE.
ZOLA: What's that word I like? Ride?? I think it's ride. Mommy, are we going for a ride?? I LOVE RIDES!!!

Zola flails about aimlessly and nearly knocks Juju off her feet. Bina darts under the little console table next to the door, where the food is naturally, and Kitkat hops on top of the washer, sitting defiantly on top of just-cleaned laundry. She sees a lonely dime sitting on the edge of the washing machine and blatantly, while keeping eye contact with Juju, knocks it to the floor.

KITKAT: The thing is on the floor now. You can't leave.
BINA: Hungry?
ZOLA: RIDE!!!!
JUJU: Oh, come on.
BITSY: Wait, are you leaving??

Three comes back into the kitchen and grabs Kitkat from the washer, cradling her in his arms. 

THREE: We need to put her upstairs, too.
JUJU: Oh, that's right. Good call.

Since Kitkat has a habit of terrorizing Bitsy just because (Juju has come downstairs after hearing what sounded like death screams to a satisfied Kitkat and a scratched up Bitsy more times than she can count), she is usually banished to the second level with her own food and water bowls and litter box; oddly enough, she seems to prefer it, although she does scold Three and Juju whenever they return. 

KITKAT: Is this an "I'm taking you to give you a bath" carry or a "I'm sending you upstairs" carry? We both know what will happen if there is a bath involved.
THREE: Quit your bitching. You're going upstairs.
KITKAT: GOOD.

As she watches Three take Kitkat, Bina suddenly realizes what's going on. Her separation anxiety stems from her lack of access to food during the interim between leaving and returning.

BINA: But ... but ... hungry? Mommy? HUNGRY??
JUJU: I'll feed you when we get back.
BINA: I MIGHT DIE?
JUJU: Calm down. You'll be fine.
ZOLA: RIDE!!!!

Bitsy has since jumped down from the fridge and paces in front of the back door.

BITSY: Tyrannical Not-Friend can escape!
JUJU: You'll be fine, too. Three will shut the door nice and tight.
BITSY: I'll miss you! You are my mobile launching pad whenever you're in here!
JUJU: You jump perfectly well without my assistance.
BITSY: THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT.
ZOLA: RIIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!!!

By this time, Three has returned, a few scratches on his arms.

THREE: She protested.
JUJU: Of course.
ZOLA: We are going for the ride now?
BINA: HUNGRY??
BITSY: MOMMYYYY!
JUJU: You guys have to stay here. We'll be back.

Bitsy climbs up Juju's leg and digs her claws into the purse.

BITSY: DON'T LEAVE!

Juju frustratedly removes each of Bitsy's talons from the purse and cuddles her, which seems to calm the little cat down. Bina sits stubbornly by the food canister and glances back and forth between it and her owners. 

BINA: Hungry.

Three and Juju make eye contact and nod. Three basically runs to the door and swings it open, blocking Zola's access to it with his foot, and Juju tosses Bitsy back onto the fridge and makes a break for the door. On his way to shut the door behind him, Zola manages to wedge her head far enough through the frame that he can't close it, and when he tries to push her head through, she barrels toward the car with glee.

ZOLA: RIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!
JUJU: Zola! Get BACK here.

Zola doesn't hear her and instead runs spastically around the vehicle, trying to guess which door will magically open the world of Car Rides. 

THREE: Dammit.
JUJU: I'll get her. ZOLA.
ZOLA: Mommy?

Zola's ears flatten on her head and her eyes widen, like she's been caught eating cat shit out of the litter box again. Juju points to the back door, and Zola sighs as she plods back through it, disappointed with the lack of a ride. Juju shuts the door again, and she and Three smile happily. As they walk away, they hear a few knocks and the scratching of claws. When they turn around, they see Bitsy, dangling by her front paws as she stares out the back door's window and calls out to them desperately.

BITSY: Come BAAACK!! I HAVE NEEDS AND AM SMALL AND ADORABLE!

Juju and Three shrug and hop into the car, going on a date to Burger King.

THE END

Life with Pets: Walks - A One-Act Play

It is dusk - a time of wonder and also less hot than other times of the day. JUJU puts on her running shoes and places ZOLA's collar around her neck, preparing for yet another jaunt into the wilds of rural Tennessee. Zola is giddy because the collar and leash, which hangs in Juju's hand, always mean something good, and she bounces around like a rubber ball. 

ZOLA: OUTSIDE TIME ZOMG.
JUJU: Stop moving, I'm trying to attach this leash to you.
ZOLA: ZOMGZOMGZOMG.

The kitties, KITKAT, BINA, and BITSY stare curiously at the spectacle, as they have never understood Zola's enthusiasm for anything - except obviously food. That is always an exciting time. Bitsy sees Juju go over to the door and runs to it, wishing to escape to the outdoors and then to clamor when she wants back in because it is scary.

BITSY: I WANT TO BE ON THE PORCH.
JUJU: No, Bitsy, stay inside. I'll be back in a bit.
BITSY: BUT TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND WILL ATTACK ME.
JUJU: She probably will, but you've run your drills and you know where to go where she can't get to you.
BITSY: FINE.

Zola, having forgotten that a walk outside is imminent, has taken to smelling Kitkat's butthole, but once Kitkat discovers her transgression, she immediately swats at the unwitting bulldog, who gleefully believes the older cat desires playtime. 

ZOLA: ZOMG I FORGOT WHY I WAS EXCITED WE SHALL PLAY.
KITKAT: I am having none of this. Where is Small Furry so I can attack her.
BITSY: FLEEEEEEE!
JUJU: Why is this my life?

Once the cats seemingly settle, Juju proceeds to take Zola for her daily walk around the neighborhood, first stopping in the back yard so the dog can do her business. 

JUJU: Come on, Zo. Poop and pee, please.
ZOLA: I do not have to. I would like to go walk now!
JUJU: We do this every time, and you always have to go when we get less than five steps away from our yard.
ZOLA: Not this time. I promise.
JUJU: Well ... okay. Let's go.

Oddly enough, Zola does not try to drop her butt to poop or pee after they leave the front yard, leaving Juju to nod her head in surprised approval. Instead, the dog pulls her along, trotting aimlessly in a sort of tracking way, which is strange, because ... well, bulldog. Not really a tracking animal. Zola nonchalantly surveys the road and the other yards they are passing, dragging her front paws like a lion and scraping her just-cut claws on the pavement. A block or so into their walk, the two pitbulls chained in a yard that usually bark at Juju when she's on her runs decide to do the same to Zola.

DOG 1: PERSON AND OTHER DOG YOU ARE CLOSE TO US.
DOG 2: HELLO YOU ARE CLOSE TO OUR TURF.
DOG 1: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
DOG 2: THERE'S NOT MUCH ELSE TO BE SAID.
DOG 1: TRUTH.
ZOLA: Friends?
JUJU: Come on, Zola.
ZOLA: But ... friends?

Once she is sufficiently far enough away that she no longer remembers that there are other dogs/friends, Zola is back to sniffing and looking at her surroundings. Then she gets an all too-familiar look in her eyes and sets her ears back on her head. 

ZOLA: I have to poop.
JUJU: Zola, keep on walking. We do not poop in other people's yards or in the street.
ZOLA: But ... but ... poop!
JUJU: NO.
ZOLA: Sigh.

She arches her back a bit to keep herself from pooping, glancing sadly back at Juju, who just glares at her. Suddenly, a little turd pops out and she cowers a bit. 

JUJU: ZOLA.
ZOLA: I AM SORRY I HAD TO POOP I AM SORRY.

Juju stops and fiddles through her jacket pocket, trying to find one of the little poop baggies she had stuffed in there. Unfortunately, the jacket she is wearing is not the one with the baggies in it, so Juju simply stares at the lone glooble on the side of the road. 

JUJU: Dammit.
ZOLA: I am sorry, Mommy. I had to poop.
JUJU: Well, we should turn around now and go back to the house so you can poop there.
ZOLA: (forlornly) Okay ...

The entire walk back, Zola walks like a duck, trying to hold in whatever feces are trying to escape (you have to say it like Dory in "Finding Nemo" - ES-CAHP-AY). She doesn't even notice the two pitbulls/friends that bark at them as they pass for the second time. It's only a short trip back, but it looks as if she might just pop, so Juju speeds up their pace. Zola perks up as the yard comes into view and starts to run. As they cross the threshold, Juju stops to let Zola off the leash, and the bulldog gleefully scampers into the yard, turns around, and plops into her play stance. 

ZOLA: We RAN! FUN! PLAY!!
JUJU: Don't you have to poop?
ZOLA: NOPE!!

She runs to the porch and bounces a bit.

ZOLA: I can have food now?

Juju facepalms. And of course Bitsy, in an attempt to see outside, has ripped down the front door's curtain and is dangling by her front paws to look out the window.

THE END

Life with Pets: Sneak Attack - A One-Act Play

As the early Saturday morning sunlight beams through the edges of the blanket that hangs over the window close to the bed, JUJU sits up and yawns, stretching contentedly. THREE groans and pulls their comforter over his head, grumpy at both the early hour and the fact that he'd have to fully wake himself for another twelve-hour shift at his job. ZOLA, lying blissfully unaware at the end of the bed, pops her head up and begins to pant happily.

ZOLA: Mommy! It is food time!

JUJU: Come on, Zozo-bean. You hungry?

Hungry is one of the only words the Zola knows definitively, and she jumps off the bed in excitement, causing Three to groan again. BINA, sitting on Three's chest, perks up, as she is also attuned to this morning routine.

BINA: I am hungry?

Juju gets up out of bed, amused at these two animals, when a small white paw darts out from underneath the bed and attacks her ankles. 

JUJU: (angrily) Bitsy! Ow! That is not okay!

BITSY: (still underneath the bed) I AM A TIGER. 

JUJU: Ugh. 

BITSY pokes her head out from underneath the bed to investigate the goings-on. 

BITSY: Where is Tyrannical Not-Friend? I will not attempt to leave my spot unless I know it is safe. 

KITKAT sits atop the banister surrounding the steps leading downstairs, licking her paw. She rules her domain with an iron fist, unless Three or Juju remind her that she is simply a feline that is significantly smaller than they are. Although Bina does not seem to recognize her reign as anything more than, "Whatever, I'm going to boop your head, Kitkat," both Bitsy and Zola tread lightly around her. Kitkat notices Juju arising and meows in greeting.

KITKAT: I assume you will feed me now. My bowl is only half full, and this is not acceptable. 

JUJU: Come on, Kitkat. 

Juju makes her way down the stairs, with Kitkat and Zola following behind. Zola, of course, defers to Kitkat's path and allows her to descend first. Between the slats in the banister, Bina reaches out her paw to swipe at Juju's head as she walks by. 

BINA: I got you! I am hungry? 

BITSY: (from behind Bina) Is Tyrannical Not-Friend gone?

JUJU: Come on, you two!

Bina dutifully follows Juju's instructions, but Bitsy remains upstairs, warily awaiting another attack from Kitkat. 

In the kitchen, Bina nearly causes Juju to trip, an act that Zola completes by being (as always) in the way. From the living room, Bitsy peeks around the corner to survey the scene, as it has been nearly four hours since she was last assaulted by a dominating Kitkat. Bina plaintively mews as Juju scoops cat food into her bowl, and Kitkat merely glares. 

BINA: I am hungry? Hurry?

JUJU: Give me a second!

ZOLA: Food time yay!

JUJU: Zola, go sit over there!

KITKAT: Peasants. 

Once the food is in place, all of the animals are preoccupied with stuffing their faces, although Bitsy is nowhere to be seen. Juju goes to investigate. From out of nowhere, Bitsy flies at Juju with her arms and legs spreadeagle, launching at Juju's leg with her claws. 

BITSY: SNEAK ATTACK!

JUJU: OH MY GOD OW! 

BITSY: HAHAHAHAHA! WHEEEEEE!

Bitsy tears away into the kitchen with her tail held high and her ears back. However, she stops dead in her tracks when she catches Kitkat staring at her from atop the fridge. Her eyes widen, and she bolts at the Kitkat's instantaneous pursuit. 

BITSY: IT'S TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND. FLEEEEEE!

Seemingly satisfied with herself, Kitkat returns to the kitchen to finish her breakfast, but as she passes Bina, Bina taps her head in punishment. 

BINA: That was not necessary.

KITKAT: I'm a cat. Nothing ever is.

BINA: True. Carry on.

ZOLA: NOMNOMNOMNOM. 

It is now close to Three's wake up time, as it takes him nearly forty-five minutes to fully awaken from slumber, so Juju creeps upstairs, trying to keep the stairs from creaking with every step. Bitsy, who has taken refuge on top of the banister, eyes her curiously, as Juju crawls on her hands and knees across the floor toward the bed. Three is snoring again, and Juju peeks over the edge of the bed and sing-songily whispers to him.

JUJU: Oh, hoooooooneyyyyyyyy ...

THREE: mumblegrumble

Juju launches into the air.

JUJU: SNEAK ATTACK!!!!!

THE END.

Life With Pets: Dog Soccer - A One-Act Play

It is Saturday morning in the Three-Juju household, and THREE is happily making breakfast, whisking gluten-free pancake batter (thanks, Bisquick!) in a gleeful frenzy. However, he notices that he might need some more rice milk (shut up, Juju has food allergies and does not drink that shit because it tastes good) to aid in the making of Awesome Pancakes and makes his way to the fridge. 

ZOLA, the lovable yet clueless bulldog, takes his movement as an invitation for pets. Completely out of his line of sight, she lumbers toward him and gets tangled in his steps, sending both sprawling onto the freshly mopped floor (shut up, Juju doesn't always think when she does things). 

THREE: (as he falls to the ground) Dear GOD, Zola!!
ZOLA: Daddy is petting me with his feet. Yay!!
JUJU: (off stage) Are you okay?
THREE: Yeah ... call the dog.
JUJU: Zola!
ZOLA: Mommy!

As easily distracted as she is, Zola looks toward Mommy's voice but realizes that Three is standing up. She again trots in his direction, directly in his path. When he accidentally kicks her, she stops and stares forlornly at him. 

ZOLA: Daddy?
THREE: Zola! Get out of the kitchen!
ZOLA: He said my name! I do not know the other words, though. I shall stay.

The three cats decide to investigate. BITSY, the youngest, leaps onto the counter, both intrigued by the making of food and desirous of avoiding KITKAT (aka Tyrannical Not-Friend), who follows close behind. BINA, who realizes that there is nothing in the kitchen that is of interest to her, turns around to go back to bothering Juju about cat food and head scratches. 

BITSY: Hm, I wonder if this white stuff tastes like Glucerna*.
THREE: Bitsy, no!

He bops her on the head with a towel, and she argues with him in the only way she knows how. She insistently keeps poking her head in the bowl and meows in protest when he pushes her away.

BITSY: I WANT FOOD.
THREE: YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THIS.

Three goes to pick her up and take her into the living room, but Zola has yet again placed herself in his way. For the third time, he trips over her, this time his shin coming into contact with her head. This obviously means play time. 

ZOLA: (crouching) Daddy!
THREE: Zola! GOD!! Go ... that way. I don't even care. Just get out of the way!
ZOLA: Daddy!!

When he does not start playing with her, Zola begins pouting and plops on the floor, sighing. Unfortunately, her choice of spots is, again, in Three's path. Again, he nearly tumbles to the ground but catches himself, while Zola is knocked about a foot away. And again, she is thrilled that he is petting her in some way. 

THREE: Okay, seriously. Zo. La. You need to move!
ZOLA: Excitement!! I will run in circles around you!!

Three tries frantically to balance himself as Zola whirls around the kitchen, occasionally knocking her head into his shins and calves, which only whips her into a further frenzy. JUJU finally comes in from the living room, holding a rather content Bina in her arms. Bitsy is thrilled to see her, as Juju is the one who initially saved her from two giant tomcats who wanted to make her into a meal, and jumps from the counter to greet her.

BITSY: Mommy!
JUJU: Hey, Bitsy. What's going on in -

Kitkat has seized the opportunity to launch herself at Bitsy.

BITSY: TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND! FLEEEEEEE!

Both Three and Juju watch after them and feel secure after Bitsy leaps onto a high spot where Kitkat will not follow, and Kitkat seems appeased.

JUJU: So what's going on in her?
THREE: Zola has helped me invent a new sport: dog soccer.

THE END

* Juju once spilled some Glucerna because of Bitsy's playfulness and created a monster. Now everything that comes from a bottle could be Glucerna and the six-pound kitty will battle you for it.

MINORITIES!

As a person of color in the U.S., do you wake up in the morning, wondering what bit of injustice you should be irrationally mad about that day? Should you rant against appropriation of your culture at Halloween or go with the old standby of institutionalized racism? Are you put off more by the way your race is portrayed in the media or by how you are assumed to have a certain job because of your ethnic background? Do you bang your head against the wall when choosing between stop-and-frisk and voter registration laws?

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This is new ...

I have only been depressed at one time in my life. Like, for real depressed, not like the Buzzfeed-dedicated-to-food-mishaps depressed. It was a relatively short period of time, from around December 2005 through May 2006, right after my boyfriend of two-and-a-half years broke up with me over the phone fifteen minutes before my 22nd birthday while I was sitting in my car on my parents' driveway. Looking back at it now, it wasn't so much the fact that he broke up with me that turned me into the walking dead, but the idea that I'd planned my entire life around a guy I didn't love and had no idea what else to do. How I managed to graduate from college the following May is completely beyond me, although I did have my wonderful roommate to convince me to leave the dorm room to, you know, go to class and shit. It wasn't so much that I was crying all the time, although I did get through that step after about a week straight of bawling my eyes out*. I just felt numb, which is such a bizarre experience for me. My entire world is filtered through my ability to connect emotionally with it: sunsets, people, wind, etc. And my creativity is directly attributed to my emotional state; if I can't feel, I can't draw, write, or paint. Art is such a huge part of my life, and it was weird, knowing that, if I had been in the right state of mind, it would have killed me to know that I wasn't able to create. But it was just that one time ...

Well, that used to be the case. If you haven't noticed, I haven't been posting as much, and when I do - other than Life with Pets, obvs, which I have had so much fun writing - they've been much more sober. I guess I should have been prepared to take a dip, emotionally, at least, when I just started feeling low for no reason whatsoever. I couldn't explain it. I guess I noticed it back when the recruiter from the National Guard stopped contacting me with updates after I found out that psoriasis was a cause for rejection from the armed forces, but I just chocked it up to disappointment. But I was still in this weird, paralyzed sort of funk that I again attributed to my fear of possibly not getting into the military because of itchy skin. I was feeling tired for no reason, and my period only lasted for two days, which was both a "yay" and an "uh-oh" for me. Then, a few days ago, I got a coupon for a free chicken sandwich at Burger King (with the purchase of a small fry and drink, of course) and walked all the way down there from my house (it's a hefty hike) with $3.50 in quarters, all excited about this sandwich. But when I got there, I found out that, oh, no, the full price for a small fry and drink was $3.93; I was forty-three cents short. The poor cashier, new to the job, had no idea what to do when I started tearing up, so I graciously accepted the coupon back and shuffled out the back door, hoping that no one had seen me. The whole walk back home, I tried to figure out what was wrong with me. It was just a sandwich, for God's sake. And I didn't even care about it once I'd gotten out of the building, but the feeling of sadness lingered. This sort of continued for the next couple of days, during which I forced myself to be happy. I even tried writing a bit and congratulated myself on not being For Real Depressed since I was able to scribble down a few sentences. And then, last night, I kinda broke. 

For reasons I'm not going to get into, I found myself crying ... no, not crying. Sobbing. I was screaming at Three, telling him that I was worthless, incapable of finding a job or selling my writing/art or housecleaning or having babies or loving him properly or cooking or running or having perfect skin or being a good partner/daughter/sister/friend/tenant/etc. It was the most naked I've ever felt, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I was standing there in a towel, having just gotten out of the shower. A deep loathing just seeped out of me, and I couldn't think of anything except that I had no value. Three tried to comfort me to the best of his ability, but in all honesty, there was nothing he could say. He cried with me, and then, for the second time in my life, I felt absolutely nothing. 

It's strange to be numb. Even as I write this, I am having to pause and think of the right words, when I'm usually bursting at the seams, trying to type every thought that comes through. It's not like I'm living in a haze; I see everything clearly and I am oddly very connected to how my body feels right now. I am feeling aches and pains in places that have no business feeling those things (the tops of my feet? what??). But I don't have an emotional attachment to anything, not even when I remember feeling so hopeless but a few scant hours ago. 

So here I am, in this new, yet familiar place. I don't even have the money to see someone about this, so I just have to sit and wonder if I can figure out how to get myself out of it. Maybe? I don't know. What I do know is that all I want to do right now is sleep but can't manage to even take a decent nap. Sorry if this is disjointed; not much about anything is making much sense right now. I think I'm going to go get an iced tea or something and try to work on another Life with Pets sketch? 

* This even occurred when my family took me out to eat for my birthday, in an effort to cheer me up, which hahaha not happenin'. I just sat there, staring at the faux-wood grain table and trying to hold back the deluge of tears that threatened to come bursting out at any moment. The poor server brought me dessert and was all, "Happy birthday!!" and even told me he'd bribed the rest of the staff into not singing to me. And I just sat there some more, this time fiddling with the icing on the shitty carrot cake with my fork. It was ... awkward. 

Life with Pets: Goodnight, Zeus - A One-Act Play

Nearly three hours after the evening began, our heroes, THREE and JUJU, lie on the floor in a makeshift pillow fort they've made in their living room. Upstairs, where the couple usually sleeps, has been quarantined to allow insecticide to work its magic against little invaders known as fleas. This means that Juju, Three, and their animals (KITKAT, BINA, BITSY, and ZOLA) are all having to share a fairly small area of the house because life is awesome. To make matters worse more interesting, a few days before, a wasp had gotten into the house, and Three had chosen to battle it with his fists, breaking a window in his campaign. Of course, because the couple is poor, they had not yet been able to pay for a repair, so instead, painters tape and several pieces of cardboard had been used to cover up the hole. In other words, the past few weeks has been ... interesting.

Three is asleep after three weeks of his dumb job changing his schedule around, and Juju is watching Star Trek: The Original Series on Netflix. Bina trots up to Juju and meows at her.

BINA: I am hungry?
JUJU: You just ate.
BINA: Pet me?
JUJU: Fine.

Zola, sensing that pets are being administered, lumbers in from the kitchen and pushes Bina away from Juju's hand.

ZOLA: Mommy! Pet me, pet me!
JUJU: Zola, Bina was here first. Lay down.
ZOLA: What is a Bina? I want pets.
BINA: I am hungry? Again?
JUJU: Dammit, I just want to watch "Space Seed" uninterrupted for once, you guys.
ZOLA: Pets!
BINA: Hungry?

Behind them, a war erupts between Bitsy (aka Esther) and Kitkat for no reason because they are cats. And probably because Kitkat is a giant asshole. 

BITSY: You were walking past me!!
KITKAT: You showed fear!!
BITSY: Mommy!! Tyrannical Not-Friend is hitting me!! And so I have pooped on the floor!!
JUJU: Good GOD!

Three jerks his head up, his eyes droopy. 

THREE: Huh?? Whasgoinonnn?
JUJU: Nothing. I've got it. Go back to sleep.

As Juju cleans up the cat shit, Bitsy jumps on her shoulder and glares at Kitkat, who seems unmoved.

KITKAT: I was only asserting my dominance.
JUJU: If there wasn't insecticide upstairs, I would throw you up there right now.
KITKAT: Whatever.

Suddenly, the obviously not-well-constructed covering for the broken window starts moving, and all of the animals, plus Juju, stare at it, completely baffled as to what is going on. Even Kitkat doesn't care as Bitsy inches past her to further investigate. 

JUJU: Ummmm ... Three?
THREE: [snore]
JUJU: Great.

Juju approaches the window with a spray bottle, as it was the only weapon she could think of at the time, but then a little orange and white kitty head pokes through. It is ZEUS, the outdoor cat who has taken a liking to Juju because she a) feeds him and b) lets him sit on her lap when she reads outside.

ZEUS: Hello!
JUJU: Zeus, you can't come in here.
ZEUS: Why not? I figured how to break this barrier, so I should be rewarded thusly.
JUJU: That's not how this works.
ZEUS: I am a cat; therefore I do not care.
JUJU: Fuck my life.

Three raises his head again, even less coherent than before. 

THREE: Zeus is in the house? Ask him for pie.
JUJU: ...
ZEUS: What is pie?
BITSY: I like pie! I stole some yesterday from Mommy's plate!
ZOLA: Friend from outside!!
BINA/KITKAT: INVADER!!!

Bina stands on her hind legs to sniff Zeus but quickly scampers away, hissing. Kitkat does the same, except she has no idea how to respond when Zeus does not either flee or attack her. He, instead, just stares at her. From the entertainment center's surface, Bitsy reaches over and boops Zeus on the head, and he is equally unresponsive. 

KITKAT: Do. Not. Like. I want to go upstairs but cannot. DAMMIT.
BITSY: What is this bodiless kitty head?
JUJU: Zeus, get back outside. I'll bring you out some food to the front porch, okay?
ZEUS: That is acceptable.

Juju tapes the cardboard back on the window and goes to the kitchen to get a cup full of cat food. Once she places the nibblets outside for Zeus, she returns to all four animals sitting in a row. 

KITKAT/BITSY/ZOLA/BINA: Hungry?
JUJU: You guys JUST ate.
KITKAT/BITSY/ZOLA/BINA: So?

Zeus again pokes his head through a hole of his own making.

ZEUS: Can I come in now?
JUJU: NO.
THREE: Goodnight, Zeus.

THE END.

My Town Is Kinda Like Night Vale??? MAYBE???

So I was a bit late getting into the Welcome to Night Vale party, because ... well, I don't know. I kept hearing about it on Facebook and Twitter (I even followed their Twitter feed and was completely confused about what they were posting) but just never followed through on figuring out exactly what it was. And then I binge-listened to the whole series so far, and GOD, I LOVE THIS.

And then I started noticing things around the little town that I currently call home.

They were small things at first, like the orange mist that surrounds my house in the early morning before the sun rises*, or the seemingly sentient way the stray cats (of which there are numerous, but hey, it's small town America) look at you as you walk by (more on one specific one in a moment). But then even weirder occurrences popped up. For a few weekends in a row, random gunshots rang through the air, but no one seemed to respond. Not even to be like, "Hey, gunshots!" And they all looked at me strangely when I called the police, who never gave me any inclination that they were even looking into it. And the police seem to drive up and down my street at an oddly frequent rate, even though I don't live in a dangerous area**.

And speaking of the police, there is a surprisingly large number of cars that appear to be unmarked police cars, with those little attachments to the side mirrors on the driver's window.

What the top red arrow is pointing to. There's probably a word for it, but I am too lazy to Google it.
Image from http://gmtminusfive.blogspot.com

Every time I either ride or drive our car, about half of the cars we pass have these. So either the police department auctioned off a bunch of cruisers they no longer used or my town has its own Sheriff's Secret Police, which is staffed by some of the gangliest looking people I have ever seen.

Of course, there's also this person speaking over a loudspeaker from the high school at night, and this is probably the weirdest aspect of living here. At first, I thought it was an announcer for the high school football games, and one evening while I was cooling down from a run, I figured, "Well, I can go watch the game, I guess?" As I got closer, I noticed that the sound wasn't becoming crisper, but hey, this is a small town and they probably don't have the best sound equipment, right?? When I finally got to the field, only one of the lights was on, like someone had forgotten to turn it off, and the bleachers were empty. To be fair, it was a Wednesday, so nobody being there is understandable. But I could not, for the life of me, figure out who was speaking and from where and what they were actually saying. I immediately called Three from my cell and asked him to talk to me as I walked home. I still hear the loudspeaker every time I go run, but I probably won't go back there, even when there is a game.

Shudder.

Anyway, about two blocks down from where I live is a house that has a perfectly manicured lawn and creeping vines ... and a small cactus in the middle of the yard. There isn't any sand or desert-like material surrounding it. It's just sitting there in the grass, taunting me with questions. I've wanted to ask whoever lives there about the cactus, but I never see anyone coming or going. Then again, I never see any cars parked there, and yet, the grass stays cut and the shrubs trimmed. I always get a weird vibe when I pass it, either jogging or driving, but I'm too scared to ask any of the neighbors, out of fear that the house or the cactus (or BOTH) doesn't exist or something.

Then there's my house. First, it's across the street from a small apostolic church (whose pastor was kind enough to let use their lawn mower that one time), so we frequently have to deal with ... energetic displays at times. And fabulous Sunday suits and dresses. And the regular misting that only appears around the church right at sunset. We are located at the base of a small valley, but the other houses (including my own) don't get the mist.

Now, our house in particular was built in the 1930s and is generally awesome, even if it doesn't have closets. But there's something ... off about it, and it manifests in the wildlife. When we first moved there, about fifteen feral cats roamed in the furthest part of our yard, and they were all ruled by this giant tabby tomcat, who was easily twenty-five pounds, if not heavier (this is the specific stray I was referring to up top). We still have some strays, one of which is our beloved Zeus-y-boo, but that tabby? Looks like he's gotten bigger, and I fear that he has devoured most of the others. He's scared of me, though, but that's because I chased him into the woods when I got irrationally livid when I saw him humping Zeus out of dominance***.

But it doesn't stop there. Every single animal around here seems to be larger than normal. Horseflies are giant and frequently fight each other; a spider that I named Shelob had a body the size of a quarter; slugs are at least two inches in length, have lived so long that their skin is no longer smooth and resembles a cucumber, and sometimes form giant masses or cover my trash bin outside. The other day, the big ass tabby was attacked and chased off by a fucking squirrel, who nonchalantly strolled away after the cat bolted, like that shit happens every day and what of it, human? I once had a staring contest with a fox that I could have sworn was testing me for something. What? I have no idea because I am not a fox. Well, not that kind, anyway.

I actually just started a little diary of random things in my town that I notice because I feel like I should send in some ideas to Night Vale. Or hell, I may even start a "My Town Is Real Life Night Vale" tumblr or something. Or they might find out what I'm doing and silence me forever. Who knows?

* Okay, it's because of the street lights, but STILL.
** Well, yeah, I did live next door to a drug dealer, but his were mainly pills and he's currently in jail for it. They also moved out about two weekends ago, which was OMG DRAMZ, and my landlord, who also owns their former domicile, was like, "Yeah, they're losers."
*** Which, I know, CATS, but it pissed me off. Severely.

Life with Pets: A One-Act Play

It is dusk, and the pink and golden hues - the last breaths of the sun before it takes its leave from the world - filter through the window upon the bed of THREE and JUJU, married for nearly three years. It has been nearly two weeks since these two have been able to enjoy each other's company, as his work and her sleeping schedule tend to operate on opposite ends of the spectrum, time-wise, and now is an opportunity for sexytimes. 

THREE: Seriously, sex with myself can only keep me going for so long.
JUJU: Don't I know it.

Mostly naked, both stop as they hear labored panting coming from the side of the bed. 

JUJU: We didn't close the door, did we?

Both lean over the edge of the bed to see the goofy grin of a slobbery ZOLA, English bulldog extraordinaire. 

ZOLA: Hi, guys! I'm bored!
JUJU: Zola, get in your crate. Mommy and Daddy are having alone time right now.
ZOLA: That's okay! I'll get up into bed with you! You won't even know I'm here!!

Zola jumps up, landing squarely on Three's ass, and proceeds to sit at the very end of the bed, head tilted and tongue hanging out happily. 

KITKAT (off stage): HEY!! I AM ALONE AND DON'T KNOW WHERE EVERYONE IS!!

KITKAT (aka Tyrannical Not-Friend to Esther aka Bitsy/Bitty/Little Shit), the oldest and most ornery of the Three-Juju household, trots into the room frantically. She follows Zola's clumsy example and leaps effortlessly onto the bed.

KITKAT: Well, here you are. I was alone and not happy about it. I shall stay here so that never occurs again.

Three angrily flops over on his back and growls. 

THREE: Are you kidding me?

BINA, the middle kitty, comes in a few seconds later, curious about all the noise. 

BINA: Are there pets being given? And also food? Because I am hungry? I shall sit on your chest, Mommy!
JUJU: Seriously? Animals, we cannot have sex with all of you in here!

Juju tries, fruitlessly, to remove the animals from the bed, only to have them either deftly maneuver out of her reach or simply jump back onto the bed. Three pulls at his hair in frustration. ESTHER (aka Bitsy/Bitty/Little Shit), the youngest cat and undoubtedly the most rambunctious, pokes her head not quite all the way through the door.

ESTHER: Mommy? Where is --

Kitkat and Esther lock eyes, and the younger one immediately hisses, turning as quickly as possible to flee. 

ESTHER: IT IS TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND!! FLEEEEEEEEEE!

Kitkat is already in pursuit, thrilled with the chase, but as she tears after the littlest kitty, her claws rip across Juju's stomach, leaving bloody scratches in their wake. Both Kitkat and Esther have left the stage. 

JUJU: For the love of -- FUCKSHITDAMN! What is wrong with you?? (to no one in particular)
THREE: Are you okay?
BINA: I need to go mediate between the two other kitties! Esther is probably hiding and will need comforting, and Kitkat will need a boop on the head.

Bina merrily skips off stage. 

JUJU: I am going to kill her.
THREE: Kitkat?
JUJU: YES. Shit, these hurt.
THREE: I'll go get the first aid kit.

Three exits stage whatever, for some reason putting on sweatpants, leaving Zola, still panting at the very end of the bed, seemingly unaware that anything out of the ordinary has happened. Which to be fair is kind of accurate. Juju lies in bed, grumbling curse words to herself, when Zola hops over and puts her head right on Juju's boob.

ZOLA: Hi, Mommy!

She lays a horribly sloppy kiss right across Juju's mouth and breathes directly in her face, blissfully and absent-mindedly glancing around the room.

JUJU: The mood is ruined. (sighs)

THE END

Well, that escalated quickly.

First off, it's been a WHILE since I wrote anything here, and for that I apologize. It's been a crazy past month or so, and it's been such a mixture of crazy that I just haven't really felt like writing anything. That includes my third novella, although I made some sort of progress over the last few days.

Anyway, I need to explain a few things. The last year of my life has kind of been an experiment. I don't consider it a failure, since I've learned so many things about myself, which I'll get to in a second, but it is a little disheartening. When I left DHS back in August 2012, I was totally focused on my writing career, even if I didn't get anything "published" for almost four months. I actually got further than I expected - two novellas and an almost published short story (the jury is still out on that experience since it's been over two months and I have yet to hear anything), submitted my watercolor paintings to an art show at a local convention, started working on a future webseries and another novella/novel series, etc. I'm actually kind of impressed with myself, in the least arrogant way possible.

But through this experiment, I realized something. Being a dependent spouse is difficult, to say the least, particularly when you are as Independent Woman as I am (thanks, Bey), but I guess I couldn't have predicted how much it would affect me. I mean, I think if everything took off like I'd hoped it would*, and I was at least somewhat contributing to our household expenses, I wouldn't have been nearly as stir-crazy as I turned out. However, I was constantly reminded that, because of my decision, we were back to how things were before we filed for bankruptcy. Well, we were able to pay our bills, but yeah, that's about it. We were living hand to mouth. Our meager savings disappeared, and Three was trying to find ways to make sure that we could occasionally, you know, buy food that wasn't ramen noodles or canned chicken. It was nearly killing him, truthfully, and all I felt was guilt, despite the fact that I was putting out more creatively than I had in years.

This constant bug in my ear - "Look at you, you lazy slob; your husband is exhausted and it's all because of YOU" - was enough to drive me nuts, but it wasn't just that. Being a Sagittarius means that, despite my sometimes introverted nature, I am most definitely an extrovert. I need to be around people, at least some of the time. Living in a more rural area than I was used to wasn't really that big of a deal in the beginning; I'd been living in the city for so long that a break from all the humans was a nice reprieve. But then throw in the fact that we didn't have a second car (thanks, old landlord bitch!) meant that I was even more tied to the same four walls with nothing but three cats and a dog for company**. And I was most definitely not staying sane. Three noticed it right off the bat, but I was not necessarily willing to admit that I wasn't completely happy. I convinced myself that I was just going through a phase and that, once things picked up, I'd be okay again. When Three's job started acting dickish***, I started worrying. There was no way that I could support us on what nothing I make from my writing, so I went on the hunt for some type of job.

And really, it could have been anything. I was even searching for part-time work, mainly in the same area where Three works so it would be easy to carpool. Plus, it would have been fairly easy to find a job there, since it's mainly retail and I figured, "Hey, I wouldn't have to emotionally invest in this because, ha, retail****, and then I could still focus on writing! Win/win!" Somehow, though, I found myself looking at armed forces jobs. Because why the fuck not? I was just researching and no harm could come from that. Except that, as I went further into it, I felt drawn.

Now, I grew up in a military family. Both of my parents were officers in the Air Force, and both attribute a lot of their current success to serving in it. And honestly, I kind of miss that life. I know that the military doesn't always have it easy, and there are a lot of issues within the community that have yet to be resolved (hi, sexual harassment!), but for the most part, the good greatly outweighs the bad.

Anyway, I requested further information from all branches, with the Air Force being my first choice, but the National Guard was the first who called. When I got into contact with the Navy, the officer recruiter made a big deal about my age (the ancient number 29), even though I have a good three years before I'd be ineligible because of it. The Air Force never called me back, despite the multiple times I called AND requested to be contacted via the interwebs. And I was a little wary of the Army, since I'd have to go to officer candidate school on or before my thirtieth birthday*****. The Guard was a lot more flexible, and I'd still be able to become an officer, since their age requirements aren't as strict.

I went ahead and took the ASVAB, which I later found out was a test for high school students, so if I didn't score highly, I would have felt like a complete dumbass. Luckily, I did really well, which opened up a lot of opportunities as far as job options go (I'm wanting intel because who the fuck wouldn't?), and now I'm just waiting to go back to MEPS to get my physical done. And all of this happened ... in the past month? Two weeks? Who knows? I sure as hell don't. I mean, I'm still looking at the Army, since the benefits are better with active duty officers, but I'm pretty sure I'm going Guard. Plus, there's always the option to go active, although that's determined by need.

To be honest, everything really is up in the air right now, but I know that I'm going in the right direction. For now, I'm just going to breathe and bust my ass physically so I will at least be somewhat prepared for the fun that is morning PT. Ugh. Wish me luck.

* Although, to be fair, I am HORRIBLE at marketing. I hate constantly scrolling through some of my self-employed friends' posts on Facebook, reminding me of their awesome sales (granted, most of them are working for, like, Scentsy and Avon and shit, but still), so I assume the same of them. It's why I created my own author account so if they wanted to get updates, they could. Maybe this makes me an awful person, I don't know.
** They are fabulously fun, and I wouldn't change our arrangement for anything. There's something about watching their personalities interact that just makes me giggle.
*** His company was run by morons. Seriously. I could write a whole series on the clusterfuck that is that company, but quite frankly, that's a lot more effort than they put into operating their business, so whatever.
**** I'm not saying that people with retail jobs don't love what they do. But for me? Not really. I look at retail as a way to pay the bills.
***** Which is fast approaching and I can honestly say I'm super excited about it, although that's probably because I'm planning a dinosaur themed party in honor of myself.