Life with Pets: Dinnertime

As the day approaches evening, THREE and JUJU return to their apartment after work with a few bags from the grocery store. ZOLA eagerly bounces in front of them, excited that a) her humans are home and b) she will be going outside to pee and poop. BITSY sits on the arm of the chair situated right next to the front door; BINA remains in the window (where she has appropriately destroyed yet another part of the blinds); and KITKAT emerges from her slumber on the couch with a wide-mouthed yawn.

THREE: We're home!
ZOLA: ZOMG DADDY MOMMY PEE POOP ZOMG
JUJU: Hang on a second, Zola. Let me help Three with the bags, and then I'll take you out.
BITSY: I was lonely!!
BINA: (does not move but looks in the direction of the half-full - or are they half-empty - food bowls) Hungry?

Life with Pets: Fire! - A One-Act Play

Most Sundays with the Three-Juju house are uneventful - and thankfully so - but this particular Sunday has Juju at work and THREE at home, resting on the couch and reading a Star Wars expanded universe novel after an exceptionally long and frustrating week. Or, at least, trying to rest. BITSY and KITKAT continue their Forever War, staring at each other and growling in the kitchen, and BINA, who has just recovered from a kitty cold, has deemed it necessary to bat at Three's face in order to get his attention. ZOLA, as usual, looks forlornly up at Three, her head resting on the edge of the couch. There is a distant beeping that sounds very similar to a fire alarm going off in the upstairs apartment, as it has been for about fifteen minutes. 

Life with Pets: When Kitkat Is Happy - A One-Act Play

Mid-afternoon on what appears to be a normal day, JUJU is folding the laundry while watching a new (to her) "Nikita" episode, an underrated (yet still subpar to the original "La Femme Nikita" series) show via Netflix. Both BITSY and BINA have manned the Kitty TV to watch the small flock of birds that have amassed to feed off of the remainder of a fast food meal someone left in the parking lot. KITKAT chooses to ignore the spectacle, instead dutifully opting to wait to take her place on top of fresh towels before Juju puts them away, and ZOLA blissfully snores on her new bed, a gift from Juju's parents. THREE walks through the front door, attempting to whistle, an ability he has yet to master, home from another hard day of work.

THREE: Hey, sweetie! How goes it?
JUJU: Pretty well. Kitkat's being weird.
ZOLA: (jumping up excitedly) DADDY!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
BITSY: Escape? (Three shuts the door) Damn.
THREE: Hey, Zola. (looking at the seemingly normal Kitkat) How so? Is she sick?
JUJU: She's been nice all day. She hasn't stalked Bitsy once today, and earlier, she was rubbing all up and down Zola.
ZOLA: This is true. I didn't know what to do, so I just stood there with my eyes all wide.
BINA: Hungry?
JUJU: You don't get fed for another two hours.
BINA: (pouting) Fine.

Three approaches Kitkat, who is purring like a motorboat contentedly, and sits down next to her.

THREE: So you're being weird?
KITKAT: I am in a good mood.
THREE: I'm not sure how to deal with this.
JUJU: Join the crowd.

Feeling particularly ballsy, Bitsy creeps up to Kitkat and pokes her head just high enough by the edge of the sofa that all the other cat can see are her eyes and ears.

BITSY: I'm not sure why I'm doing this.
KITKAT: I have no interest in you whatsoever.
JUJU: See? I have no idea what's going on.

Bitsy then places her paws on the edge of the sofa and extends her head to where she and Kitkat nearly touch noses. Three pets Kitkat, partially to keep her calm and also to ensure that he has a way to keep the larger, older cat from lunging at the extremely brave (or stupid) one.

THREE: Bitsy, I'm not so sure this is a good idea. Who knows how long her grace period will last.
BITSY: But I has a confused.

She reaches with her paw and boops Kitkat lightly on her head. Kitkat merely squints her eyes, choosing to enjoy the touch of her favorite person, aka Three. Three looks at Juju and shrugs. After a few moments of stunned silence from everyone, Kitkat stands up and arches her back, stretching. Bitsy squats close to the floor, ready to flee, but Kitkat merely hops over to the coffee table and stops in front of Zola. She tilts her head a bit to the side and then, with no provocation, starts to rub her face and side of her body on the dog.

ZOLA: (completely frozen in fear) What. Do. I. Do.
KITKAT: I like you right now. Let me make you smell like me.
JUJU: She has to be sick. There is literally no other explanation.
KITKAT: I am going to take a nap. Call me when you guys start acting normal.

Kitkat saunters off to the bed-closet, head and tail high, leaving everyone flabbergasted.

JUJU: I think this has been the most uneventful day ever. Probably close to downright boring. I'm so used to playing referee all the time.
THREE: Maybe Kitkat has turned over a new leaf.
JUJU: Methinks you may be wrong. She'll be back to stalking the little one and randomly swiping at Zola any day.
THREE: It could happen.

Juju picks up the folded towels and makes for the actual closet in between the bathroom and the bed-closet, and Bina, thinking that it was now food time, jumps to her feet happily.

BINA: Food?

Grossly miscalculating a) the slickness of the pleather chair and b) the relative distance from said chair to the arm of the sofa, Bina attempts to jump but instead flails to the floor, dragging a blanket and two books from the side table. Zola thinks it's playtime, and Bitsy, under the misconception that the noise is actually Kitkat coming to attack her, bolts ... somewhere? and trips Juju, sending Juju to the ground and the laundry flying everywhere.

JUJU: Serenity now. Serenity. Now.

The End.

Life with Pets: Don't Mess with Routines - A One-Act Play

It is morning in the Three-Juju household, and Juju is at work, providing financial services that fuck people over with high-interest rates help people make it between pay checks, leaving THREE to his own devices. On days like these, as per usual, he has his schedule set pretty regularly, where he has just returned from taking ZOLA, the slobbery bulldog, for a glorious walk. While KITKAT is splayed lazily on the couch, BINA sits directly in front of the door, ready for The Routine to begin. Zola flails about because she is Zola.

ZOLA: I pooped and it was amazing and I forgot what I was doing.

THREE: Let me take off the leash, dog.

ZOLA: Is it food time?? It should be food time.

BINA: Agreed? I am hungry?

THREE: Guys. You know the routine.

BINA/ZOLA: SIGH.

KITKAT: Whatever.

Once he's able to wrangle the leash off of Zola, Three continues in The Routine, heading for the bathroom where he takes care of his ... business (aka pooping)*. As he's sitting on the pearly throne, he notices that his ankles are hurting him a bit. He rubs them gingerly and grimaces.

THREE: Hm. Maybe I should take a bath to take care of the aching. 

Zola forgets that she hates the tiny room where the Tub of Evil exists to torture her with baths, so she barrels into the bathroom. As she sees that Three has turned on the Wicked Water, she slowly backs up.

ZOLA: He can't see me, can he?

THREE: Zola, this bath isn't for you.

ZOLA: He. Said. BATH. THIS IS NOT A PART OF THE ROUTINE.

Zola retreats more quickly than a bulldog should. Three rolls his eyes.

THREE: I'm sorry that I messed up The Routine, Zola, but my ankles are killing me.

ZOLA: (off stage) I don't understand what you are saying over the WICKED WATER.

The tub starts to fill up, releasing a pleasant warm mist into the air. Three takes a deep breath, ready for some R&R. Suddenly, out of nowhere, Bina flies into the bathroom, fully expecting there to be an empty tub, for you see, based on The Routine, Bina would come to visit Three on the toilet and would play with whatever hair band had been left on the side of the tub. Instead, her little furry body is met with a half-full bathtub. 

BINA: WATER??!!

She leaps upward, desperately scratching her claws on the wall to keep her from plummeting back into tub, but alas, she plops down, this time, completely drenching her. She then scrambles to pull herself out and zips out of the bathroom, leaving a trail of water behind her. Three doesn't know if he will ever be able to stop laughing and simultaneously feels awful for the poor kitty.

THREE: (in between chortles) Bina? Are you okay?

BINA: (offstage) THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T MESS WITH ROUTINES! EVER!

THREE: I'm sorry, Bina.

BINA: (offstage) I'm never coming out from underneath the bed. 

The End.

* How he schedules his poops baffles Juju.

Life with Pets: Godzilla Kitty - A One-Act Play

Early in the morning in New Apartment, THREE arises to get ready for work. He kisses JUJU lightly on her nose and pulls the covers over her, and still mostly asleep, she grumbles at him. KITKAT chooses to continue to sleep, cuddled next to Juju, but BINA and ZOLA dutifully follow him out of the bedroom, eagerly awaiting noms. BITSY is already in the kitchen, on top of the counter.

BITSY: Daddy!! I am hungry! And also bored! Look at all the stuff I knocked down throughout the night!
THREE: Good morning, Tiny.
BINA: Hungry?
ZOLA: Daddy! Food! I would like food!
THREE: Give me a second, guys. I'm not completely awake yet.

Bina and Zola pout, but Bitsy decides to take a more proactive approach. Her bowl, which sits on the counter, has "somehow" been moved close to the edge, so she saunters over to it and bats it hard enough so it clatters to the floor, the bits of food remaining in it landing everywhere. 

THREE: Really?
BITSY: Feed me.

Disgruntled, Three makes his way to the cat food container, nearly tripping over Zola. He glares down at her, and she gives him the old puppy dog eye treatment.

ZOLA: Hi, oh, sorry! Uh, I am hungry, too?
THREE: Let me take care of the cats so Bitsy won't knock more stuff over.
ZOLA: I wish I could do that.

He takes a step and his foot, a rather tender thing, lands directly on something hard and plastic. 

THREE: OW!! SHIT!

He looks down and sees an amazingly intact plastic fork. One of the tines had stuck directly into his sole and left a lovely little red mark.

THREE: Bitsy!
BITSY: What? I thought it looked better there.

He then looks around the apartment. Bitsy managed to push nearly everything that was not furniture onto the floor: the Mass Effect 3 case, the remote for the TV, the Xbox controller, two candles, the plastic container of change that was sitting on top of the bookshelf, one of Juju's earrings, several books that, the last time he saw them, were snugly placed on the shelf, two blankets, the dog leash that was hanging on the wall, a decorative bowl, a water bottle that he thinks was in the fridge?? ... He has to stop looking or else he is going to get even more pissed.

THREE: What are you? Godzilla??
BITSY: What's a Godzilla? Is it a fierce hunter?

She leaps onto his shoulder and bops his head.

BITSY: I am a fierce hunter. Feed me.

Three growls and lets her jump off of him back onto the counter, which - of course - is littered with half-eaten bits of cat food.

THREE: What the hell? You could fill a bowl with all of this!
BITSY: They didn't pass inspection. Or it's possible that I forgot about them.
BINA: Food? Pleeeeeeease?? I haven't eaten ever. In my life.
ZOLA: I AM LITERALLY DYING.
THREE: Well, at least Kitkat is content right now.
KITKAT: (offstage) I wouldn't be so sure.

Kitkat ambles into the kitchen, performing a full body shake, and sits patiently on the kitchen floor, looking at her bowl.

KITKAT: I will wait.
BITSY: (hissing) You are supposed to be asleep.
KITKAT: I'm ignoring you. For now.

Juju, still in her underwear and a large T-shirt that was once her father's from college, stumbles into the hallway on her way to the bathroom. She surveys the scene through her sleep haze and stretches. 

JUJU: Bitsy?
THREE: Bitsy.
JUJU: This is why we own nothing that is glass.

The End.

Life with Pets: Instincts - A One-Act Play

It is yet another sunny day in New Town, where Three and Juju have just moved. All the cats, Kitkat, Bina, and Bitsy, seem to have adjusted well, and Zola, the bulldog, doesn't much know the difference, except that the floor is now fuzzy and the vacuum cleaner is taken out more often than the Swiffer or broom. JUJU sits at the bar in the kitchen, typing away at her computer, while BINA stares out the Kitty TV (aka Window) at all the non-activity in the apartment complex. ZOLA drinks some water out of her new bucket, and BITSY is scanning the apartment for something to destroy or knock over. 

JUJU: Damn, I need to clean out the shit box. I forgot to do that last night.

She stands up and immediately draws the attention of all the animals present.

ZOLA: Are we going outside? I like outside. I also like treats. And pets. Will any of these happen?
BITSY: Mommy? I knocked over a DVD stack.
BINA: Food?

As Juju lifts the top of the litter box* up, Zola's ears perk up. 

ZOLA: Treats?? I almost never get treats from there!!
JUJU: These are not for you. Go lay down. This goes in the dumpster.
ZOLA: (forlornly) Okay. This Dumpster thing gets all the good treats.
BINA: I would still like food?
BITSY: You are getting rid of my smell? Why??

With each scoop that goes into the trash bag, Bitsy behaves more and more nervous, trying to hop into the litter box.

BITSY: I have to pee.
JUJU: You literally just peed less than thirty minutes ago.
BITSY: Don't care.

Losing interest, Bina saunters back to her entertainment on the Kitty TV, luckily catching a glimpse of an adventurous bird that likes one of the plants that the neighbors hung up outside. Curiosity getting the better of her, KITKAT appears from the bedroom but only sticks her head out enough to where no one is actually aware of her presence. Her pupils dilate and she goes into Huntress Mode.

BITSY: Hurry. I have to pee.
JUJU: God, seriously? Go bother Bina. Or Zola. It doesn't matter which.
BITSY: This is a war you aren't going to win, Mommy.
JUJU: (sighs) I know. But I have to at least act like I'm in control, okay?
BITSY: Seems logical.
KITKAT: (aside, staring at Bitsy) I must bide my time.

With the final kitty glooble, Juju closes the trash bag and places it outside the front door, much to Zola's chagrin. She picks up Bitsy, who is already inside the topless litter box, and places her on top of the coffee table. Disgruntled, Bitsy waits until Juju sprinkles some new litter and a bit of baking soda, and once the human lady is done, she glances in each direction to see if her nemesis is in sight. 

BITSY: Do you see Tyrannical Not-Friend, Mommy?
JUJU: Nope, just go pee. Or poop. Or whatever. Sometimes you just go in there to scratch around.
BITSY: I am a cat. There is no sense to what I do.
JUJU: Agreed.
KITKAT: Soon.

Lowering herself into the shit box, Bitsy proceeds to do her business, occasionally popping her head up to survey her surroundings. Bina is now napping, and Zola has started gnawing on her Nylabone with such glee that even Bitsy wishes she was a dog. Juju is again staring at the computer screen, only now the soundtrack to Buffy the Vampire Slayer's "Once More with Feeling" episode is playing, and Kitkat is still in Huntress Mode, although Bitsy cannot see her (Kitkat is good at this). Bitsy finishes her duties and commences the final ritual: scraping around aimlessly.

JUJU: Bitsy! Scratching the sides does nothing!
BITSY: INSTINCTS.
ZOLA: It is weird that they poop in a box and try to cover it up.
JUJU: You try to cover yours with grass.
ZOLA: That is not the same thing. Nomnomnom Nylabone.
KITKAT: So. Close.

Bitsy sticks her head out, pleased with her Shit Box Adventure, and puts her paws on the lid, readying herself to leap out.

KITKAT: NOW!!!!!

Upon seeing Kitkat launching at her, Bitsy lets out a terrified wail, causing Juju, Bina, and Zola to jump, and Bitsy flies out of the litter box, tossing litter in every which direction.

BITSY: TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND!! FLEEEEEEE!!

Because the apartment is much smaller than the house in Small Town, Bitsy has fewer places to escape, so she scrambles to reach Juju's lap. She sinks her claws into Juju's thighs.

JUJU: OW! Dear God, you two! KITAT.

Kitkat recognizes both the tone in Juju's voice and the irate expression on her face.

KITKAT: (shrugs) Instincts.

Juju goes to fetch the broom, the Swiffer, and the vacuum cleaner, grumbling the whole way.

The End.

* Juju bought a top-loading litter box, which is awesome because a) Zola can't eat shit/kitty treats, b) the kitties seem to like the privacy, and c) there is SO MUCH less litter on the floor. Usually.

Life with Pets: Walks - A One-Act Play

It is dusk - a time of wonder and also less hot than other times of the day. JUJU puts on her running shoes and places ZOLA's collar around her neck, preparing for yet another jaunt into the wilds of rural Tennessee. Zola is giddy because the collar and leash, which hangs in Juju's hand, always mean something good, and she bounces around like a rubber ball. 

ZOLA: OUTSIDE TIME ZOMG.
JUJU: Stop moving, I'm trying to attach this leash to you.
ZOLA: ZOMGZOMGZOMG.

The kitties, KITKAT, BINA, and BITSY stare curiously at the spectacle, as they have never understood Zola's enthusiasm for anything - except obviously food. That is always an exciting time. Bitsy sees Juju go over to the door and runs to it, wishing to escape to the outdoors and then to clamor when she wants back in because it is scary.

BITSY: I WANT TO BE ON THE PORCH.
JUJU: No, Bitsy, stay inside. I'll be back in a bit.
BITSY: BUT TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND WILL ATTACK ME.
JUJU: She probably will, but you've run your drills and you know where to go where she can't get to you.
BITSY: FINE.

Zola, having forgotten that a walk outside is imminent, has taken to smelling Kitkat's butthole, but once Kitkat discovers her transgression, she immediately swats at the unwitting bulldog, who gleefully believes the older cat desires playtime. 

ZOLA: ZOMG I FORGOT WHY I WAS EXCITED WE SHALL PLAY.
KITKAT: I am having none of this. Where is Small Furry so I can attack her.
BITSY: FLEEEEEEE!
JUJU: Why is this my life?

Once the cats seemingly settle, Juju proceeds to take Zola for her daily walk around the neighborhood, first stopping in the back yard so the dog can do her business. 

JUJU: Come on, Zo. Poop and pee, please.
ZOLA: I do not have to. I would like to go walk now!
JUJU: We do this every time, and you always have to go when we get less than five steps away from our yard.
ZOLA: Not this time. I promise.
JUJU: Well ... okay. Let's go.

Oddly enough, Zola does not try to drop her butt to poop or pee after they leave the front yard, leaving Juju to nod her head in surprised approval. Instead, the dog pulls her along, trotting aimlessly in a sort of tracking way, which is strange, because ... well, bulldog. Not really a tracking animal. Zola nonchalantly surveys the road and the other yards they are passing, dragging her front paws like a lion and scraping her just-cut claws on the pavement. A block or so into their walk, the two pitbulls chained in a yard that usually bark at Juju when she's on her runs decide to do the same to Zola.

DOG 1: PERSON AND OTHER DOG YOU ARE CLOSE TO US.
DOG 2: HELLO YOU ARE CLOSE TO OUR TURF.
DOG 1: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
DOG 2: THERE'S NOT MUCH ELSE TO BE SAID.
DOG 1: TRUTH.
ZOLA: Friends?
JUJU: Come on, Zola.
ZOLA: But ... friends?

Once she is sufficiently far enough away that she no longer remembers that there are other dogs/friends, Zola is back to sniffing and looking at her surroundings. Then she gets an all too-familiar look in her eyes and sets her ears back on her head. 

ZOLA: I have to poop.
JUJU: Zola, keep on walking. We do not poop in other people's yards or in the street.
ZOLA: But ... but ... poop!
JUJU: NO.
ZOLA: Sigh.

She arches her back a bit to keep herself from pooping, glancing sadly back at Juju, who just glares at her. Suddenly, a little turd pops out and she cowers a bit. 

JUJU: ZOLA.
ZOLA: I AM SORRY I HAD TO POOP I AM SORRY.

Juju stops and fiddles through her jacket pocket, trying to find one of the little poop baggies she had stuffed in there. Unfortunately, the jacket she is wearing is not the one with the baggies in it, so Juju simply stares at the lone glooble on the side of the road. 

JUJU: Dammit.
ZOLA: I am sorry, Mommy. I had to poop.
JUJU: Well, we should turn around now and go back to the house so you can poop there.
ZOLA: (forlornly) Okay ...

The entire walk back, Zola walks like a duck, trying to hold in whatever feces are trying to escape (you have to say it like Dory in "Finding Nemo" - ES-CAHP-AY). She doesn't even notice the two pitbulls/friends that bark at them as they pass for the second time. It's only a short trip back, but it looks as if she might just pop, so Juju speeds up their pace. Zola perks up as the yard comes into view and starts to run. As they cross the threshold, Juju stops to let Zola off the leash, and the bulldog gleefully scampers into the yard, turns around, and plops into her play stance. 

ZOLA: We RAN! FUN! PLAY!!
JUJU: Don't you have to poop?
ZOLA: NOPE!!

She runs to the porch and bounces a bit.

ZOLA: I can have food now?

Juju facepalms. And of course Bitsy, in an attempt to see outside, has ripped down the front door's curtain and is dangling by her front paws to look out the window.

THE END

Life with Pets: Sneak Attack - A One-Act Play

As the early Saturday morning sunlight beams through the edges of the blanket that hangs over the window close to the bed, JUJU sits up and yawns, stretching contentedly. THREE groans and pulls their comforter over his head, grumpy at both the early hour and the fact that he'd have to fully wake himself for another twelve-hour shift at his job. ZOLA, lying blissfully unaware at the end of the bed, pops her head up and begins to pant happily.

ZOLA: Mommy! It is food time!

JUJU: Come on, Zozo-bean. You hungry?

Hungry is one of the only words the Zola knows definitively, and she jumps off the bed in excitement, causing Three to groan again. BINA, sitting on Three's chest, perks up, as she is also attuned to this morning routine.

BINA: I am hungry?

Juju gets up out of bed, amused at these two animals, when a small white paw darts out from underneath the bed and attacks her ankles. 

JUJU: (angrily) Bitsy! Ow! That is not okay!

BITSY: (still underneath the bed) I AM A TIGER. 

JUJU: Ugh. 

BITSY pokes her head out from underneath the bed to investigate the goings-on. 

BITSY: Where is Tyrannical Not-Friend? I will not attempt to leave my spot unless I know it is safe. 

KITKAT sits atop the banister surrounding the steps leading downstairs, licking her paw. She rules her domain with an iron fist, unless Three or Juju remind her that she is simply a feline that is significantly smaller than they are. Although Bina does not seem to recognize her reign as anything more than, "Whatever, I'm going to boop your head, Kitkat," both Bitsy and Zola tread lightly around her. Kitkat notices Juju arising and meows in greeting.

KITKAT: I assume you will feed me now. My bowl is only half full, and this is not acceptable. 

JUJU: Come on, Kitkat. 

Juju makes her way down the stairs, with Kitkat and Zola following behind. Zola, of course, defers to Kitkat's path and allows her to descend first. Between the slats in the banister, Bina reaches out her paw to swipe at Juju's head as she walks by. 

BINA: I got you! I am hungry? 

BITSY: (from behind Bina) Is Tyrannical Not-Friend gone?

JUJU: Come on, you two!

Bina dutifully follows Juju's instructions, but Bitsy remains upstairs, warily awaiting another attack from Kitkat. 

In the kitchen, Bina nearly causes Juju to trip, an act that Zola completes by being (as always) in the way. From the living room, Bitsy peeks around the corner to survey the scene, as it has been nearly four hours since she was last assaulted by a dominating Kitkat. Bina plaintively mews as Juju scoops cat food into her bowl, and Kitkat merely glares. 

BINA: I am hungry? Hurry?

JUJU: Give me a second!

ZOLA: Food time yay!

JUJU: Zola, go sit over there!

KITKAT: Peasants. 

Once the food is in place, all of the animals are preoccupied with stuffing their faces, although Bitsy is nowhere to be seen. Juju goes to investigate. From out of nowhere, Bitsy flies at Juju with her arms and legs spreadeagle, launching at Juju's leg with her claws. 

BITSY: SNEAK ATTACK!

JUJU: OH MY GOD OW! 

BITSY: HAHAHAHAHA! WHEEEEEE!

Bitsy tears away into the kitchen with her tail held high and her ears back. However, she stops dead in her tracks when she catches Kitkat staring at her from atop the fridge. Her eyes widen, and she bolts at the Kitkat's instantaneous pursuit. 

BITSY: IT'S TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND. FLEEEEEE!

Seemingly satisfied with herself, Kitkat returns to the kitchen to finish her breakfast, but as she passes Bina, Bina taps her head in punishment. 

BINA: That was not necessary.

KITKAT: I'm a cat. Nothing ever is.

BINA: True. Carry on.

ZOLA: NOMNOMNOMNOM. 

It is now close to Three's wake up time, as it takes him nearly forty-five minutes to fully awaken from slumber, so Juju creeps upstairs, trying to keep the stairs from creaking with every step. Bitsy, who has taken refuge on top of the banister, eyes her curiously, as Juju crawls on her hands and knees across the floor toward the bed. Three is snoring again, and Juju peeks over the edge of the bed and sing-songily whispers to him.

JUJU: Oh, hoooooooneyyyyyyyy ...

THREE: mumblegrumble

Juju launches into the air.

JUJU: SNEAK ATTACK!!!!!

THE END.

Life with Pets: Goodnight, Zeus - A One-Act Play

Nearly three hours after the evening began, our heroes, THREE and JUJU, lie on the floor in a makeshift pillow fort they've made in their living room. Upstairs, where the couple usually sleeps, has been quarantined to allow insecticide to work its magic against little invaders known as fleas. This means that Juju, Three, and their animals (KITKAT, BINA, BITSY, and ZOLA) are all having to share a fairly small area of the house because life is awesome. To make matters worse more interesting, a few days before, a wasp had gotten into the house, and Three had chosen to battle it with his fists, breaking a window in his campaign. Of course, because the couple is poor, they had not yet been able to pay for a repair, so instead, painters tape and several pieces of cardboard had been used to cover up the hole. In other words, the past few weeks has been ... interesting.

Three is asleep after three weeks of his dumb job changing his schedule around, and Juju is watching Star Trek: The Original Series on Netflix. Bina trots up to Juju and meows at her.

BINA: I am hungry?
JUJU: You just ate.
BINA: Pet me?
JUJU: Fine.

Zola, sensing that pets are being administered, lumbers in from the kitchen and pushes Bina away from Juju's hand.

ZOLA: Mommy! Pet me, pet me!
JUJU: Zola, Bina was here first. Lay down.
ZOLA: What is a Bina? I want pets.
BINA: I am hungry? Again?
JUJU: Dammit, I just want to watch "Space Seed" uninterrupted for once, you guys.
ZOLA: Pets!
BINA: Hungry?

Behind them, a war erupts between Bitsy (aka Esther) and Kitkat for no reason because they are cats. And probably because Kitkat is a giant asshole. 

BITSY: You were walking past me!!
KITKAT: You showed fear!!
BITSY: Mommy!! Tyrannical Not-Friend is hitting me!! And so I have pooped on the floor!!
JUJU: Good GOD!

Three jerks his head up, his eyes droopy. 

THREE: Huh?? Whasgoinonnn?
JUJU: Nothing. I've got it. Go back to sleep.

As Juju cleans up the cat shit, Bitsy jumps on her shoulder and glares at Kitkat, who seems unmoved.

KITKAT: I was only asserting my dominance.
JUJU: If there wasn't insecticide upstairs, I would throw you up there right now.
KITKAT: Whatever.

Suddenly, the obviously not-well-constructed covering for the broken window starts moving, and all of the animals, plus Juju, stare at it, completely baffled as to what is going on. Even Kitkat doesn't care as Bitsy inches past her to further investigate. 

JUJU: Ummmm ... Three?
THREE: [snore]
JUJU: Great.

Juju approaches the window with a spray bottle, as it was the only weapon she could think of at the time, but then a little orange and white kitty head pokes through. It is ZEUS, the outdoor cat who has taken a liking to Juju because she a) feeds him and b) lets him sit on her lap when she reads outside.

ZEUS: Hello!
JUJU: Zeus, you can't come in here.
ZEUS: Why not? I figured how to break this barrier, so I should be rewarded thusly.
JUJU: That's not how this works.
ZEUS: I am a cat; therefore I do not care.
JUJU: Fuck my life.

Three raises his head again, even less coherent than before. 

THREE: Zeus is in the house? Ask him for pie.
JUJU: ...
ZEUS: What is pie?
BITSY: I like pie! I stole some yesterday from Mommy's plate!
ZOLA: Friend from outside!!
BINA/KITKAT: INVADER!!!

Bina stands on her hind legs to sniff Zeus but quickly scampers away, hissing. Kitkat does the same, except she has no idea how to respond when Zeus does not either flee or attack her. He, instead, just stares at her. From the entertainment center's surface, Bitsy reaches over and boops Zeus on the head, and he is equally unresponsive. 

KITKAT: Do. Not. Like. I want to go upstairs but cannot. DAMMIT.
BITSY: What is this bodiless kitty head?
JUJU: Zeus, get back outside. I'll bring you out some food to the front porch, okay?
ZEUS: That is acceptable.

Juju tapes the cardboard back on the window and goes to the kitchen to get a cup full of cat food. Once she places the nibblets outside for Zeus, she returns to all four animals sitting in a row. 

KITKAT/BITSY/ZOLA/BINA: Hungry?
JUJU: You guys JUST ate.
KITKAT/BITSY/ZOLA/BINA: So?

Zeus again pokes his head through a hole of his own making.

ZEUS: Can I come in now?
JUJU: NO.
THREE: Goodnight, Zeus.

THE END.