I Have the Worst Luck with Cars, Part XV: A Plague on My House

I think everyone reaches that point in their lives where they just sit back and say, "You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it all." Ladies and gentlemen? I have reached that point when it comes to the topic of cars.

If you've been reading for a while, you'll remember that Fancy, our 1999 Lincoln towncar has had her issues. We get the oil changed regularly, and we use 93-grade gasoline (even when we can't really afford it). It's an older car, so I get that there would be some maintenance work that would need to be done, but it's now getting officially ridiculous.

1. The air conditioner only works after about twenty to thirty minutes after the car has been started. Now, before you say, "Oh, but Juju! It just needs Freon!" Nope, we already checked. We even bought a little $50 device that told us so, when we were expecting it to say that we needed to add some. So, you know. Money well spent. 
2. The windshield wipers just ... stopped working. The little motor doesn't turn on any longer. It's probably a fuse issue, but seriously? Of all the random things. And it's illegal to drive in the rain without windshield wipers on, so there's that. 
3. Here is the biggest problem (that I think is somehow related to the air conditioner thing, but I am not a Car Person so there is a good chance I'm incorrect): when I first turn the car on (I talk sweet to her), the engine sputters and dies unless I sit there and rev the engine for about five minutes, and even that's not a fail-proof plan. Just the other day, I had completed that ritual and had driven for a good bit, only to have her quit on me when I was stopped at a red light. I've developed a means by which to combat this annoying condition: as I slow down, I place the car in neutral and simply lightly push down on the gas pedal while I'm stopped. Again, like the A/C thing, this ceases after I've been driving for a bit (usually), but I can't really risk having her die on me when I'm getting off of the interstate or something. 

We're going to have Fancy looked at sometime next week to see if we can resolve at least one of these problems at a reasonable rate. Of course, since sarcasm can't be detected unless specifically mentioned, "a reasonable rate" was typed with an eye roll. Our last fiasco with the tire was resolved fairly painlessly - and I seriously want to give the manager of the Sears that fixed Fancy a giant gift basket - but this isn't really something that I see as being a quick, inexpensive fix. Because hahahaha I know my relationship with cars. It's never easy or cheap.

What's sad is that Fancy will be 100% ours in a little over six months. And we just keep giving her side eye, wondering when the next catastrophe will arise, forcing us into having to buy another new car. If you notice, I'm not even remotely trying to be funny about this one. I'm just over the entire situation. Like, is it so much to ask for a decent car that doesn't require you to spend more than $2000? Apparently, it is. Sigh. I'm hoping this 100 Happy Days challenge thing is going to work its magic and help me not worry about this sort of shit.