So you wanna know what it's like to have a panic attack?

Last month, I experienced my first major panic attack in over half a year. I mean, sure, I'd had small ones in between, like when I couldn't find a place to live or when I saw my rapist on the sidewalk, both of which are completely justifiable, but because I'd had such success at handling my triggered anxiety, I complimented myself on a job well done.

Via MonsterGif

When you go from having at least one to two major panic attacks in a week to one or two minuscule (by comparison) events over a period of several months, I guess it's not inappropriate to pat yourself on the back, but in my case, it turned into complacency. I didn't see or feel the warning signs and found myself back in the clutches of my emotionally and mentally damaged psyche. 

Even in the midst of some of the most hectic moments of my recent life, I decided to do something. I grabbed a notebook and just started writing what I felt, what I thought, how I felt about what I thought, and I'm just going to type it out here, unedited*. I've also annotated in brackets for further clarification as best I could; it's kind of hard to remember exactly what was going on at the time. Just ... be prepared?

Also, panic attacks are different for everyone, and not everyone experiences - or even expresses - them like I do, so what I went through may not match how someone you know goes through. That is the fun part about the human body: every single person has a unique way of dealing with every single thing.

Alrighty, onto the panic attack ...