You know what, universe? Up yours, too.

It's almost like the Fates read my blog and then go BWAHAHAHA, because merely a few hours after publishing my last post about things that terrify me, this happened:

I'm lying in bed, like you do at 4:30A, when I feel this strange sensation in my butt cleavage: you know, the little spot just underneath your butt where it connects with your leg. So I'm all, "What is that?"I start feeling down there in a decidedly not sexy way and bring up what looks like a piece of structured mucus, if you'll pardon the term. I can't really think of another way of describing it. It's about a half inch long, flat, and slightly squishy. I wake Three up, who starts poking at it.

And THEN. The damned thing moves. The top part raises up and kind of sways, looking around without eyes or whatever, and I squeal.

"What the fuck is that?"

Three flicks it across the room, and I'm all, "The shit? Why did you do that??" Now, mind you, Three has just been woken out of a dead sleep, and he's not quite sure why he did it, either.

Then I find another one, on the bed, and I swear, it is pandemonium.

"What the absolute hell are those? Where are they coming from??"

So we start trying to figure out what the hell is going on and what these creatures are and why do we feel like we're about to star in a real-life Alien movie. Then Three exclaims as he's holding one, "Ohhhhh, it's a tapeworm!"

Ohhhhh, it's a tapeworm! WHY ARE TWO TAPEWORMS IN MY BED. AND WHY ARE THEY SO CLOSE TO MY ASS.

I take it upon myself to research the fuckers, and apparently (and thankfully), they do not travel anus to anus, and that this particular species was particular to dog colons.

We both look accusingly at this little bundle of love, who just happens to be on our bed:

You have butt worms. That is gross. You are no longer allowed on our bed. EVER.*

Awesome. Our dog has tapeworms, that she farted out earlier that night. At least that is what I assume, because I really can't handle the thought that these tapeworms may be the parasite equivalent of Ariel from Disney's "A Little Mermaid."

I wanna be where the people's asses are.

I spend the rest of the morning, feeling itchy and weird and jumping around with each slight twitch of my own body, wondering if I have another tapeworm on me. This prompted Three to come up with a name for an emo band: Captain Twitchy and the Undead Buttworms. I was not amused. 

Zola has been treated for the tapeworms and she for fuck's sure is not going to be sleeping in our bed. She's going to be sleeping in her crate, where she and her butt worms can commiserate about how they've been banished from our presence. And serves them right. They should have at least announced that they were going to be getting close to my ass. 

Fuck tapeworms. They are now officially on my list.

* Honestly, I will probably let Zola in the bed in a few weeks. AFTER her ass worms have been treated. If not, it will be the balcony for her.