Oh, dear God.

On Saturday, I went to get Chiquita's oil changed at one of the local oil change places - a lot better customer service than Valvoline and Jiffy Lube and a helluva lot cheaper - since the husband was called in to work on his day off. Unlike the quick-lube chain places, or at least the one's I have gone to, they sent me into a waiting room, with free coffee, bathrooms, air conditioning, and cable TV. I unfortunately had forgotten my headphones at home, so I found myself watching House Hunters on HGTV. It was a couple with three kids relocating to Tampa, FL, from Detroit, MI, and okay, fine. Whatever. You are moving there because of your husband's job. Cool.


But dear GOD, I wanted throttle these people. Even the real estate agent was all, "Um, are your heads completely up your asses, or is it just me?"


It was this utter disdain for a house that *GASP* only had two bathrooms that really set me off. I'm like, bitches, are you kidding me? This house is in your price range, is in your target neighborhood, and there's plenty of room for that fucking pool and an additional bathroom, if that third one is absolutely a must. Which it totally is.


I vacillate between wanting to someday own a house and being a Forever Renter. There's a certain amount of freedom that comes from renting - hey, my dishwasher is broken! Fix it, handyman! At no additional cost to me!! - and I like that I have a courtesy officer at my beckon call*.


I kind of like the chaos of renting, too; you don't really know who your neighbors are going to be, and they usually provide the best stories. I know I've entertained the people at work with the shit I've dealt with over the past two years at my current complex. The best part of this is, the neighbors change, so even if you have a bad set, worst case scenario is that you have to deal with them for over one year.


But Juj, you say: If you own your house, there are so many pluses that you aren't thinking about! And sure, there are. You can pretty much do whatever you want, unless you are forced to join a homeowner's association**; you don't have to share a wall (or walls) with other people; you don't have to search for a parking spot whenever you come home;you don't have to smell the various concoctions the bad chefs below you create; you don't have to entertain extremely drunk people on a drunk treasure hunt, making up treasure hunt rules as they go along, just so they stop knocking on your door and asking for sugar cubes.


But fuck if it doesn't seem like the most WASPy thing to do. I mean, sure, I came from a family of WASPs, at least on the surface***, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want the white picket fence, 2.5 children scene in my future. Hell, Three and I were talking about buying a trawler and living on the Gulf of Mexico for the rest of our lives. And if it makes me sound like the people from the HGTV show? Just kill me.

OMG ONLY TWO BATHROOMS. WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE YOU??

They sounded like the most entitled people I've ever seen, and I work at DHS****. I'm sure not everyone is like that, but if House Hunters is to be believed, the people able to afford houses (that are at the least $275,000*****) are all assholes, who have this clever, cheerful veneer over their rotting, corporate souls. 


I think that settles it, at least for today: I'm a renter FO' LYFE. 


* Not really. Sean, if you read this, I promise I will only call you at 3A when the dumbass drunk girl downstairs invites an entire fraternity over. Again.


** Then you may have to get approval to put up a fence on your own damned yard, like in the case of my parents, who just kind of gave up after a while.


*** My grandmother was Polish, grew up Catholic and then said HA RELIGION YOU ARE TEH DUMZ, and we also have a hefty dose of Cherokee blood in us, like the rest of the freaking South. There's a bunch of other ethnicities that run in my family, but honestly, that's probably for another post.


**** Honestly, this is a misconception. Sure, there are people out there receiving government benefits, but the majority of the ones I come across are not entitled at all. They just need help. You know, I need to do a post on SNAP, TANF, & Medicaid benefits.


***** Like seriously, what? That's more than I make in, like, five years. Must be nice.