I'm filing for bankruptcy.

That's a sentence I absolutely never thought I'd think, let alone experience. And to be honest, there's a ton of relief that comes with it.

My life has never really been one of consistency. Maybe it's a personal failing; maybe it's not. I suppose I'll never know. But it has never been lacking a sense of adventure, of not knowing what will come next. I'm in my element when chaos surrounds me. I can react quickly and survive - hell, thrive - when other people would fold under the pressure. It's not that I don't feel stress. Believe me, the past few months have been raucous. The house we were planning to buy fell through for various reasons, and Three and I realized that we were in no financial place to even be thinking about purchasing anything bigger than a week's worth of groceries (and there were times when we couldn't even do that). That all came before we had to start picking which bills would be paid that month. We had to backpedal a bit.

When I was younger, my parents signed me up for a credit card. I could only use it for necessities, like gas for my 1995 Buick Century that I "inherited" when my grandmother went blind, and if I was going to buy anything other than that, I had to clear it with them. At the end of the billing cycle, my parents would then pay the whole thing off. Needless to say, my credit was spotless by the time I got to college. I didn't have to put a deposit on any of my apartments or utilities, and other credit card companies were just begging me to start doing business with them. Since then, I may have been late on a payment due to forgetfulness on my part, but I never just didn't pay something.

Then Three left his job. While I still know that it was the best decision for the both of us, it did put a lot of hardship on our finances. For two months in a row, we had to ask my parents for help to pay for our electric bill and we had to pay our rent in three installments. But then the next month would start and we were already behind. This was just not sustainable. So we went to a bankruptcy lawyer and for two hours, we sat there and went over budgets, financial law, credit counseling, etc., and ultimately decided that we just had to file chapter 7.

Even just a few minutes after we left the lawyer's office, my mood instantly changed. I was floating. We could have a fresh start. My car, the piece of crap that it is, is going back to Carmax (also, Carmax, fuck you); we're calling all of our credit card companies to tell them that they now have to call our lawyer; we're moving into a cheaper apartment. Everything is falling into place. When I got home, I started up a Facebook page for my soaps (more of a hobby right now, but hopefully something more in the future), something that I have been putting off for months. It just seemed like it was the right time. I started writing and drawing again. And for the first time in about four months, I had a wonderful night's sleep.

I just knew that 2012 was going to be good.