Updaterino!

I HAVE RETURNED.

Well, kinda. I'm still in Nashville, and honestly, I'm still fucking exhausted. The parents and I drove to South Carolina overnight, got there and loaded what was not absolutely ruined (and what I wanted) into the back of my dad's truck, and then drove straight back to Nashville, so ... that's what, sixteen hours of driving? My dad did the majority of the driving, and I took little catnaps throughout the whole thing, which was actually pretty difficult because - and did you know this - the backseat of trucks aren't the most comfortable places to sleep.

But I am okay. The house was absolutely disgusting and smelled terrible (and looked worse) and the majority of what I ended up taking was, as I suspected, up in the attic, which was apparently inhabited by mice? But whatever. My comic book collection and telescope are in better condition than I thought they'd be, and I found a pair of shoes I'd forgotten about! The washer and dryer supposedly still work, so when the roommate and I are looking for apartments, we'll be able to include w/d connections as a perk!

Again, though, I am okay. I cried a bit when I went to the backyard, and I was obviously overwhelmed when we first drove up. I think I muttered "I hate this place" about fifty times, but by the end of it, I was able to see the beauty of the state. I still loathe South Carolina - except you, Sullivan's Island, I will always love you - and I don't think that will change. After all, my dad still hates Charleston because of his ex-wife, and they've been divorced for over thirty-five years. Three never showed up, and I didn't see any of the cats, which actually hurt me more than anything. Sigh.

I'm going to take a nap and then head back to Louisville. I may put up another post about what happened, but ... I don't know if I'm ready for that yet? Either way, I am okay. I promise.

Finally ...

Last month, I met with a divorce lawyer to finally get the ball rolling on legally ending my marriage. Initially elated with taking action, I spent the next few days kind of processing things in a way I hadn't before. It wasn't this fun, breezy thing I had imagined it would be - planning a black-veiled divorce party aboard a giant cruise ship and therapeutically burning Three's things. Instead, I was replaying all the experiences and emotions I'd felt over the last 7.5 years on full blast: the gaslighting, the blatant verbal attacks, the bizarre power plays, the lack of connections to anyone outside of him, etc. And it was in technicolor with surround sound, like I'd never left it. Because it is a part of me now, whether or not I like it.

Earlier this week, my rapist marched gleefully into my workplace to do his grocery shopping, unaware I'd spotted him. My stomach dropped, and I could not breathe for a few seconds. Thankfully, he never saw me, or if he did, he made sure to depart out of a different entrance. He was just Three 2.0, and I hated myself for ever opening up to him, allowing myself to be hurt even more than I was before.

Two days ago, I stood in my shower and cried, repeating, "I can't do this," over and over again until I could only mutter "can't can't can't can't can't" into the stream of hot water pouring down my face. My anxiety had been a steady presence for me for the previous several days, but it all just culminated in that one moment as I imagined what was coming.

Yesterday, I made an appointment with my lawyer for the final meeting before she drafts the divorce paperwork to send to Three. I sat in my car and cried, overwhelmed by relief, sadness, fear, happiness, and whatever emotion that came up.

And then today ... well, today, I'm going back to a place where some of the scariest, bleakest moments of my life took place. Three had a mental breakdown here, walking up and down the hallway and talking to invisible people he thought were trying to kill him. He finally revealed to me that he was an alcoholic because he couldn't maintain the lies he'd used to slowly peel me away from any other security and love that he couldn't really give me in the first place, because he'd been lying to me from the moment he met me, because he'd finally reached his breaking point. This was the last place I ever saw Kitkat and Bina, and Bitsy ran away after giving birth to six kittens in the closet by the front door. This was where I was truly alone, with no friends or family nearby and no safety net whatsoever. This was the final staging area of a five-year-long con that blew up in Three's face, although I'm still not sure what his final aim was.

To put it simply, I am not looking forward to returning to my home.

I'd made the plans to go to South Carolina a few days before meeting with my lawyer the first time, but I was uncharacteristically blase about the whole thing. Like, I was joking about the house and the fact that it is in foreclosure (yet another really fun story) and generally feeling nothing about it except maybe some mild irritation that I had to do it in the first place. And then I had a dream where I saw Bitsy, all mangled and scarred, Kitkat, terrified to approach me, and Three, just looming over me ominously and not uttering a word. It's like my body was in denial until it realized that, yet, I was actually going through with this, and it started freaking the fuck out, and it's like the rest of the universe is playing along.

It's a seven hour drive from Nashville, and I am making the trip with my parents to get the remainder of the stuff I left back in 2016. Even with my creepy/sad dream, I'm not really sure what I'm expecting to happen, if anything. I'm not even 100% sure what's there. I have a fairly good idea, since state housing is being exceptionally helpful, but they didn't have any pictures of the attic, where I'm assuming Three left a lot of stuff. What if I get there and it's literally just a bunch of destroyed stuff that I drove ten hours (including going down from Louisville to Nashville) to say, "Well, that can be thrown in the trash now?" That uncertainty certainly isn't helping matters.

I'm just so tired, so ready for this to be over. The end is in sight, thankfully, and in a few months, I will be able to close this chapter in my life. Logically, I know this is one of the last hurdles I need to jump over, but ... can't I just fast forward through these parts? That'd be nice.

31 Day The Legion Challenge, Day 23: Sexuality in The Legion

Okay, on this one, I have a lot more to say.

When I first started writing what would eventually become The Legion, I was going through my own discovery period. I'd always had difficulty dealing with the fact that I was just as attracted to women as I was to men, and I was raised in a very strictly "hetero good, homo bad" way. Not only that, but I went to a school that taught abstinence-only exclusively, so suffice to say, any talk of the wide spectrum of sexualities wasn't something that came up too often, if ever. Understandably, I didn't write about actual sex because LOL how I could I? Even I knew that what little porn I'd managed to see wasn't realistic. But the emotional side of it? I could do that, even as an inexperienced sixteen-year-old. Lace, the main character, struggled with her own romantic feelings toward another woman, and ultimately, she rejected the love of a male suitor in order to explore her own future, wants, needs, and dreams. It was a very bittersweet ending, and I remember feeling very emotionally connected with Lace's story in a way that went deeper than just being her creator. I was her. But I didn't know exactly how. I wasn't fully prepared to fully delve into that at the time, but now? Well, let's talk about that, shall we?

31 Day The Legion Challenge, Day 22: Fantasy Mixed with Sci-Fi

This is actually going to be a really short one because, honestly, I've tried to make this into a full essay but just cannot. Anyway, the reason that I went with a fantasy-scifi mixture is because I have a really difficult time writing one or the other. I tried writing a hard scifi short story the other day and had to fight myself on trying to include "space magic."

So ... that's that? I wish I had more to say on this, but oh, well. Off to bed I go!

< DAY TWENTY-ONE: WORLD BUILDING CHALLENGES

DAY TWENTY-THREE: SEXUALITY IN THE LEGION >

BACK TO CHALLENGE

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 21: World Building Challenges

THINGS FANTASY WORLDS SHOULD HAVE, EVEN IF ONLY MENTIONED IN PASSING

-sports. so few fantasy worlds have established sports but look how important sports are to our own world. it'd be remiss not to at least mention sports
-newspapers or other forms of public communications

— lindsay beth (@ellle_em) January 22, 2018

I read this tweet a few days ago and I could just feel tingles going up and down my spine (The entire thread is amazing, so you should totally click over and read it) because I was already doing that in The Legion. I created merjua, a cross of rugby, soccer, and lacrosse, and Irika was a singer that showed up in the first original novella, A Million More to Go. I had developed these intricate societies and histories that definitely drove where a lot of my characters chose to go narratively (Ren is a good example of this), but I took a lot of inspiration from Battlestar Galactica there. I loved how they had the Pyramid game, which of course Starbuck played, a very active news system, and a main public religion that some bought into whereas others were more or less cultural followers of Kobol. The entire world felt real, and I wanted to capture that same feel.

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 20: Hardest Scene to Write

Since the actual hardest scene I've ever had to write in The Legion doesn't take place until much later - and it's very spoilery - I can't include it, but I can describe the scene in the first arc that I found to be the most difficult. Specifics, of course, are going to be avoided, but here goes:

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 19: Dahl Calder

I know that I basically already covered Calder, but here we are again, I suppose. It's gonna be hard to keep from repeating myself because, yep, I still don't like Calder and the reasons why have not changed. I still can't go into detail about his past, but I guess I have to say something on this challenge. Sigh.

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 18: Tulay-brin

Y'all. Y'all. I fucking found Tulay-brin. Like, he is exactly what I envisioned him to be and OMG dream casting right here. Forrest Goodluck is the perfect age and every single time I look at him, all I can think is TULAAYYYYYY.

Via IMDB

Like this has seriously almost cured me of this stupid pneumonia. Almost.

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 17: Tremany

Alright, I officially have pneumonia and that's super fun. When I'm not feeling like absolute shit, I'm exhausted from feeling like absolute shit, so I haven't been able to do much except sleep. And cough. And then sleep some more. But, I am so behind on this challenge, and it's my stuff, so it's especially embarrassing that I'm only on day 17. I'm going to try and get caught up, but don't be surprised if I'm not able to.

31 Day Challenge: The Legion, Day 16: Koca Murat Reis

That's Captain Koca Murat Reis, thank you very much. God, she's such a badass. That's really all you need to know about her, but this is a Blogspot challenge, so you're about to get much more.