Life with Pets: Afternoon Without the Pets - A One-Act Play

It is Saturday, a day of much mirth for the Three-Juju household, for it is a day that the humans have a chance to get out of the house and be together. The animals, however, are used to JUJU, who is clutching her vintage purse (a gift from her wonderful grandmother) happily, being there at all hours, free to give pets, food, and entertainment (like children). ZOLA frets by the back door, which leads to the car and to freedom, and BITSY sits on top of the fridge, curiously eyeing THREE and Juju. 

JUJU: Okay, did we turn off the upstairs light?
THREE: We're only going to be gone a couple of hours, Juju.
JUJU: I know, but still! Electricity!
THREE: Do you want me to go double check?
JUJU: Maybe.
THREE: Sigh.

Three makes his way offstage, mumbling the whole way, and both KITKAT and BINA enter, glancing around the kitchen warily.

KITKAT: Something is off.
BINA: Are we moving? I don't like moving? I am hungry?
KITKAT: I don't like this. Wait, where is the smallest furry; I'll take out my anxiety on her.
BITSY: YOU CAN'T GET ME UP HERE.
ZOLA: What's that word I like? Ride?? I think it's ride. Mommy, are we going for a ride?? I LOVE RIDES!!!

Zola flails about aimlessly and nearly knocks Juju off her feet. Bina darts under the little console table next to the door, where the food is naturally, and Kitkat hops on top of the washer, sitting defiantly on top of just-cleaned laundry. She sees a lonely dime sitting on the edge of the washing machine and blatantly, while keeping eye contact with Juju, knocks it to the floor.

KITKAT: The thing is on the floor now. You can't leave.
BINA: Hungry?
ZOLA: RIDE!!!!
JUJU: Oh, come on.
BITSY: Wait, are you leaving??

Three comes back into the kitchen and grabs Kitkat from the washer, cradling her in his arms. 

THREE: We need to put her upstairs, too.
JUJU: Oh, that's right. Good call.

Since Kitkat has a habit of terrorizing Bitsy just because (Juju has come downstairs after hearing what sounded like death screams to a satisfied Kitkat and a scratched up Bitsy more times than she can count), she is usually banished to the second level with her own food and water bowls and litter box; oddly enough, she seems to prefer it, although she does scold Three and Juju whenever they return. 

KITKAT: Is this an "I'm taking you to give you a bath" carry or a "I'm sending you upstairs" carry? We both know what will happen if there is a bath involved.
THREE: Quit your bitching. You're going upstairs.
KITKAT: GOOD.

As she watches Three take Kitkat, Bina suddenly realizes what's going on. Her separation anxiety stems from her lack of access to food during the interim between leaving and returning.

BINA: But ... but ... hungry? Mommy? HUNGRY??
JUJU: I'll feed you when we get back.
BINA: I MIGHT DIE?
JUJU: Calm down. You'll be fine.
ZOLA: RIDE!!!!

Bitsy has since jumped down from the fridge and paces in front of the back door.

BITSY: Tyrannical Not-Friend can escape!
JUJU: You'll be fine, too. Three will shut the door nice and tight.
BITSY: I'll miss you! You are my mobile launching pad whenever you're in here!
JUJU: You jump perfectly well without my assistance.
BITSY: THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT.
ZOLA: RIIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!!!

By this time, Three has returned, a few scratches on his arms.

THREE: She protested.
JUJU: Of course.
ZOLA: We are going for the ride now?
BINA: HUNGRY??
BITSY: MOMMYYYY!
JUJU: You guys have to stay here. We'll be back.

Bitsy climbs up Juju's leg and digs her claws into the purse.

BITSY: DON'T LEAVE!

Juju frustratedly removes each of Bitsy's talons from the purse and cuddles her, which seems to calm the little cat down. Bina sits stubbornly by the food canister and glances back and forth between it and her owners. 

BINA: Hungry.

Three and Juju make eye contact and nod. Three basically runs to the door and swings it open, blocking Zola's access to it with his foot, and Juju tosses Bitsy back onto the fridge and makes a break for the door. On his way to shut the door behind him, Zola manages to wedge her head far enough through the frame that he can't close it, and when he tries to push her head through, she barrels toward the car with glee.

ZOLA: RIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDEEEEE!!! YAYYYYYY!!!!!
JUJU: Zola! Get BACK here.

Zola doesn't hear her and instead runs spastically around the vehicle, trying to guess which door will magically open the world of Car Rides. 

THREE: Dammit.
JUJU: I'll get her. ZOLA.
ZOLA: Mommy?

Zola's ears flatten on her head and her eyes widen, like she's been caught eating cat shit out of the litter box again. Juju points to the back door, and Zola sighs as she plods back through it, disappointed with the lack of a ride. Juju shuts the door again, and she and Three smile happily. As they walk away, they hear a few knocks and the scratching of claws. When they turn around, they see Bitsy, dangling by her front paws as she stares out the back door's window and calls out to them desperately.

BITSY: Come BAAACK!! I HAVE NEEDS AND AM SMALL AND ADORABLE!

Juju and Three shrug and hop into the car, going on a date to Burger King.

THE END

Life with Pets: Walks - A One-Act Play

It is dusk - a time of wonder and also less hot than other times of the day. JUJU puts on her running shoes and places ZOLA's collar around her neck, preparing for yet another jaunt into the wilds of rural Tennessee. Zola is giddy because the collar and leash, which hangs in Juju's hand, always mean something good, and she bounces around like a rubber ball. 

ZOLA: OUTSIDE TIME ZOMG.
JUJU: Stop moving, I'm trying to attach this leash to you.
ZOLA: ZOMGZOMGZOMG.

The kitties, KITKAT, BINA, and BITSY stare curiously at the spectacle, as they have never understood Zola's enthusiasm for anything - except obviously food. That is always an exciting time. Bitsy sees Juju go over to the door and runs to it, wishing to escape to the outdoors and then to clamor when she wants back in because it is scary.

BITSY: I WANT TO BE ON THE PORCH.
JUJU: No, Bitsy, stay inside. I'll be back in a bit.
BITSY: BUT TYRANNICAL NOT-FRIEND WILL ATTACK ME.
JUJU: She probably will, but you've run your drills and you know where to go where she can't get to you.
BITSY: FINE.

Zola, having forgotten that a walk outside is imminent, has taken to smelling Kitkat's butthole, but once Kitkat discovers her transgression, she immediately swats at the unwitting bulldog, who gleefully believes the older cat desires playtime. 

ZOLA: ZOMG I FORGOT WHY I WAS EXCITED WE SHALL PLAY.
KITKAT: I am having none of this. Where is Small Furry so I can attack her.
BITSY: FLEEEEEEE!
JUJU: Why is this my life?

Once the cats seemingly settle, Juju proceeds to take Zola for her daily walk around the neighborhood, first stopping in the back yard so the dog can do her business. 

JUJU: Come on, Zo. Poop and pee, please.
ZOLA: I do not have to. I would like to go walk now!
JUJU: We do this every time, and you always have to go when we get less than five steps away from our yard.
ZOLA: Not this time. I promise.
JUJU: Well ... okay. Let's go.

Oddly enough, Zola does not try to drop her butt to poop or pee after they leave the front yard, leaving Juju to nod her head in surprised approval. Instead, the dog pulls her along, trotting aimlessly in a sort of tracking way, which is strange, because ... well, bulldog. Not really a tracking animal. Zola nonchalantly surveys the road and the other yards they are passing, dragging her front paws like a lion and scraping her just-cut claws on the pavement. A block or so into their walk, the two pitbulls chained in a yard that usually bark at Juju when she's on her runs decide to do the same to Zola.

DOG 1: PERSON AND OTHER DOG YOU ARE CLOSE TO US.
DOG 2: HELLO YOU ARE CLOSE TO OUR TURF.
DOG 1: THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
DOG 2: THERE'S NOT MUCH ELSE TO BE SAID.
DOG 1: TRUTH.
ZOLA: Friends?
JUJU: Come on, Zola.
ZOLA: But ... friends?

Once she is sufficiently far enough away that she no longer remembers that there are other dogs/friends, Zola is back to sniffing and looking at her surroundings. Then she gets an all too-familiar look in her eyes and sets her ears back on her head. 

ZOLA: I have to poop.
JUJU: Zola, keep on walking. We do not poop in other people's yards or in the street.
ZOLA: But ... but ... poop!
JUJU: NO.
ZOLA: Sigh.

She arches her back a bit to keep herself from pooping, glancing sadly back at Juju, who just glares at her. Suddenly, a little turd pops out and she cowers a bit. 

JUJU: ZOLA.
ZOLA: I AM SORRY I HAD TO POOP I AM SORRY.

Juju stops and fiddles through her jacket pocket, trying to find one of the little poop baggies she had stuffed in there. Unfortunately, the jacket she is wearing is not the one with the baggies in it, so Juju simply stares at the lone glooble on the side of the road. 

JUJU: Dammit.
ZOLA: I am sorry, Mommy. I had to poop.
JUJU: Well, we should turn around now and go back to the house so you can poop there.
ZOLA: (forlornly) Okay ...

The entire walk back, Zola walks like a duck, trying to hold in whatever feces are trying to escape (you have to say it like Dory in "Finding Nemo" - ES-CAHP-AY). She doesn't even notice the two pitbulls/friends that bark at them as they pass for the second time. It's only a short trip back, but it looks as if she might just pop, so Juju speeds up their pace. Zola perks up as the yard comes into view and starts to run. As they cross the threshold, Juju stops to let Zola off the leash, and the bulldog gleefully scampers into the yard, turns around, and plops into her play stance. 

ZOLA: We RAN! FUN! PLAY!!
JUJU: Don't you have to poop?
ZOLA: NOPE!!

She runs to the porch and bounces a bit.

ZOLA: I can have food now?

Juju facepalms. And of course Bitsy, in an attempt to see outside, has ripped down the front door's curtain and is dangling by her front paws to look out the window.

THE END